Collaborating With Your Kids: Help Your Kids Co-Author Solutions So They Learn To Problem-Solve Successfully

Why is it so hard to change unwanted behavior—in our kids, our partners, our colleagues, and even ourselves? Conventional methods of using punishment, rewards, power and control often backfire, creating a downward spiral of resentment and frustration, and most often, make the behavior much worse.

What if the thinking behind these old methods is wrong? What if people don’t misbehave because they want to, but because they lack the skills to do better? Or as renowned psychologist J. Stuart Ablon asks, what if changing unwanted behavior is a matter of skill, not will?

Everyone wants to do well and kids do well if they can, not if they want to. If a kid could do well, they would do well. This applies to adults too. People do well if they can. Everyone wants to do well, but things just get in the way and the skills are just not there. People who struggle to behave well, don't lack the motivation to do better, they lack the skills to do well in these areas.

1. Language and Communications Skills

2. Attention and Working Memory Skills

3. Emotion and Self-Regulation Skills

4. Cognitive Flexibility

5. Social Thinking Skills

Dr. J. Stuart Ablon, PhD, author of the book, "change able" says these skills can be taught. Here's a 3-plan approach for transforming even the most aggravating, frustrating and concerning situations and dynamics.

Plan A.

Impose your will to get them to do what you want them to do. Leveraging power and control, rewards and consequences to motivate and "get" our kids to want to comply often comes at the expense of the relationship. This option teaches no skills and actually decreases motivation and does damage on kids self-esteem.

Plan B.

Collaborative problem solving. Working together to try to solve the problem in a mutually satisfactory way, that works well for the both of you. This plan builds relationship and practices building skills. Here are 3 important keys to this plan, done consecutively: 

1. Understanding - Listen to your child in order to truly understand. Be curious and ask questions, "Let me understand where you're coming from", "Help me understand your concern". Reflect back - repeat in your own words what you heard them say. And then give reassurance, "I know there must be an important reason that you _______" This will regulate and calm them so they can express what is going on for them. Let them talk if they want to.

2. Only when you feel you've gotten their perspective (never start with your concern first), can you share your perspective, including what you are worried about, what you are afraid of. You are NOT sharing your SOLUTION or FIXING IT at this point. You are sharing your point of view. "I heard what you said AND I'm worried about ____." Now you have BOTH sets of concerns on the table. Then and only then, can you move to #3.

3. Reason - Invite the other to problem solve, to brain storm solutions together which opens up all kinds of doors to repairing relationship and building skills.

Plan C.

A strategic choice to Drop It, just for now. It is not giving in. Or, "I tried Plan A and it doesn't work, so I give up." Drop It is a strategy that doesn't solve or teach anything, it's a choice to leave the situation be for the time being until there's a better time to do number 2, which is to actively listen, share and collaborate.

The word discipline means "to teach", which is much different than to "punish". We want to TEACH our kids the skills needed to solve problems, instead of judging, punishing and giving them rewards, which are all short term ways to manipulate our kids into do what we want them to do. That is not our job. Parenting is preparing our kids for life so they have the skills to live in the world successfully as adults.

Watch a Podcast with Dr. Ablon and Mel Robbins to learn more here.