Uncovering Patterns And Projections To Stop Reacting To Your Kids Behavior 

1. CURIOSITY AND WILLINGNESS Most of us are unwilling to look in the mirror. We are afraid to discover things about ourselves that we are not ready to see.

2. IDENTIFYING A PATTERN-PROJECTION

The way to identify our patterns is by paying attention to our emotional reactions. If we have an emotional reaction of pain, outbursts of anger, high judgementalism or acute withdrawal, these all indicate that something within us has been triggered. Gently noticing, without shaming, seeing that these acute reactions are part of a projection-pattern igniting our inner child. General hint: Any non-neutral reaction (even excessive excitement) is a sign of projection. Use them as a SIGNAL.

3. OWNING THE INTERNAL

As we begin to become aware of our reactions and learn this language, we begin to own our internal environment and take responsibility for what is going on within us.

4. ENDING THE EXTERNAL FOCUS AND BLAME/ ENDING THE VICTIM CYCLE

Along the way, we begin to see how we have kept ourselves stuck in victim-mode which is a remnant of our childhoods.

Most of us got stuck in victim-mode in childhood. And we continue this projection with our children. We believe they are the dominant forces in our lives, pushing us to be someone we are not yet ready to be. Children make us uncomfortable, they have their own thoughts and aspirations. When they push us beyond a point, we label them bad, and feel victims of their individualities. Our children are, in actuality, being exactly who it is they are, nothing more or nothing less. Yet, we take their behaviors and actions personally.

5. THE OUTER IS THE INNER

When we find another’s behavior “objectionable” it is usually because it is a mirror of:

- something we do to others ourselves but are unaware

- something we do to ourselves but are unaware

- something others have done to us that we then project onto the other.

- things that are in our “shadow”, meaning they are things we ourselves are still ambivalent about.

The other “pokes” this is in us and makes us feel unworthy and unsure so we resent them for this. We then project a moralistic and superior judgmentalism toward them.

6. THE POWER OF OWNING THE PROJECTION

When we own our projections we take the power of our lives back in our hands. We are not prey to another’s caretaking of our feelings. We realize that the decision to HAVE feelings and to FEEL feelings is all ours. We take our feelings back into our own hands. This is a powerful feeling indeed.

7. TRACK THE PROJECTION

The Physical Reality: What actually happened?

The Emotional Reality: What did you feel about what happened?

The Reactive Reality: How did you react?

The Belief Reality: What were you believing when you reacted?

The Past Reality: What was emerging for you in terms of memories?

Once we have explored these layers of reality, we can then make different choices: The choice to look within and own the projection Or The choice to stay stuck and lose connection.

As we go through this process, we bring our energetic state to our awareness which helps to UNmesh from our emotional entanglements.

8. LOOKING IN THE MIRROR

Now we are ready to fully look in the mirror and own our stuff. We begin to easily identify when we are wounded and can ask:

“what about me, right now, is wounded?”

“what is this moment teaching me about me?”

“how can I use this moment to grow and heal?”

9. SELF-COMPASSION AND RELEASE

As we grow, we must release. We realize that self-forgiveness and compassion are part of this process. We must accept that we didn't know what we didn't know. Our self-compassion allows us to let go and begin again.

10. HEALING THE RELATIONSHIP

Healing relationships doesn’t just take saying “sorry.” It is a more intricate process. It actually requires going within and doing the inner work. It requires taking full accountability for our part in the co-creation and communicating this to the other person. This allows the other person to free up energy to either continue to work with us or not. They don’t feel the pressure to do all the fixing and solving and changing. They now see, perhaps, that you are willing to partner.